A Child's Perspective

                                                      ( Jan 05 )

                                          A Child's Perspective

                                    

         Adults...

         I remember their faces, their eyes, their words their expressions.

         I could see how they were projecting parts of themselves

         and their own expectations on me even though i knew nothing

         of psychology or psychological projections at the time.

         I remember at times my eagerness to please

         and other times some confused feelings of utter unease

        when a projection was rejected outright from within

        and the fear or threat of disappointment, rejection or abandonment

         if i did not comply and 'play the part'.

         I remember the translucent 'liquidity' of a still unadulterated self

         and the often 'ugly feeling' resembling a packed ' bag of vomit'

         that followed each time submitting in fear or confusion

         even though  'playing the part' brought praise

         for a self ... that I was not or wanted to be.

         I remember the sadness, the 'gnawing' and an overwhelming

         feeling of 'sickness' spreading and steadily overtaking my soul.

         I remember the brief interchange of Real and Superimposed self

         until a total underlying sadness finally took over

         like the shadows of darkens spreading over the fields in the night.

          I remember the tears and the pain for some Unidentified 'Loss'.

          The Loss of Myself - the Loss of the 'Real Me'.

                                        * * * * * * * *

       
                     There is a time in the young child's life

                  when all the past humiliations, and deprivations

                  accumulate into an inchoate realization:

                  "There is no hope of being loved for what I am"

                                       " The Primal Scream "
                                         ( Arthur Janov )

                                                  * * *